Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
