Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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