She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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