I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
