Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
