my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
