I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
