It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
