I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize