I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
