i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
