We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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