I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
