I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
