Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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