I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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