last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
