Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize