these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize