i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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