He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
