He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
