In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
