you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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