he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
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