I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
