You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
