I love black thongs
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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