i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
