did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
