wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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