U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
