I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
