i don't really know how much tequila is too much
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
