My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
