im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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