I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
