Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize