No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
and she was petting her beer can
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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