he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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