WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
