Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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