Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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