I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
