Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
