so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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