I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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