Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
