I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
