I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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