Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
