I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
