Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
